How to be a better friend to someone struggling with infertility

Apr 23

I have a lot of thoughts about infertility for someone fortunate enough to not have to experience it first hand. Don't get me started on the word miscarriage and how much I hate it (puts the guilt on the women much? what, like we just dropped the baby because we couldn't hold onto it?) and I don't even like the way that the official National Infertility Awareness Week people present their statistics (they say, and I quote, "1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy," like is this a women-only issue um no actually, causes of infertility is equally a third across the board of women/men/unexplained or combo so like, what the fuck?).

I also believe that the onus of National Infertility Awareness Week shouldn't just fall on those struggling with infertility to share their stories, and instead be an invitation for those around them to stop making infertility even HARDER than it already is by being a dick. Yes, I mean us, the well-meaning friend who says "You'll be fine!" or complains that the baby is coming too soon because "I thought it'd take longer to get pregnant but we got it on the first try!"

I will be the first to plead guilty to these atrocities and promise to be better. So to observe NIAW I wanted to share the 10 ways you can support and stand with someone who is struggling with infertility.

1. Be honest

Just like with anything else where you're stepping into territory you know nothing about, be honest and imperfect. Don't pretend to have answers or put on a show of confidence. If you don't know what to say to them because you have no idea what would make them feel better, say just that, even if you're uncomfortable because you have questions but you don't know if it's okay to ask, say just that too. Being honest with them also invites them to be able to tell you what they need, as well as signify that the space between you is a safe place for them to be honest too.

2. Recognize their struggle as unique

I am so guilty of this, but it's the equivalent of that dad who's always like "Oh you're from Ohio? I have a cousin there do you know Ian?" which is an eye-roller but so easy to commit. The last thing that anyone who's going through anything wants to hear is that so-and-so that you know went through the same thing. That doesn't mean their situation is any easier. Instead just drive it in your head that they are the only ones in their unique situation and focus on the details of their story, not find similarities from stories you've heard of from others.

3. Optimism isn't always the answer

I think it's our nature to try and solve problems or to remove discomfort for those that we love, and being "strong" for them seems like the right answer. But saying "you'll be fine!" doesn't always help someone who is going through infertility because their situation may be unreasonable, irrational, even unexplained, and they may feel completely lost. When they're in that place, having someone irresponsibly promising a brighter outcome that they have no control over is both naive and cruel.

4. Keep discussions private and low-pressure

Definitely don't corner them and chat them up at a public event, and sometimes not doing it in person could also be effective. Text messages and emails with a line that says "you don't have to respond to this" take the pressure off of them to have to make emotional space to have a dialogue with you, which could be too much for them at that moment. Imagine it like you just gently placing the ball in their court, letting them know it's there, but walk away and wait for them to be ready.

5. Give permission for all the feelings

Sometimes people feel guilty for the awful things that they feel when they are suffering, especially if you triggered emotions like jealousy or shame in them. Make sure to give them permission to feel anything and everything, and honor the choices they make as a result of those emotions. Maybe you got pregnant while they're struggling and your friend feels jealous but ashamed that they do, and feel they can't come to your baby shower. Acknowledge all of those things, give them permission, and let them know that you are there for them regardless.

6. Don't offer advice

This one is so hard, but a friend's job isn't necessarily to offer advice, especially in a situation where you can't know exactly what they're going through.

7. Don't talk about your own details

i.e. shit like "I thought it'd take longer to get pregnant but we got it on the first try!" Even if your words aren't THAT clueless, any detail about your own conception could be really difficult for them to hear, so just spare them the details.

8. Actually, just mostly listen and do minimal talking

This will go a long way. We don't do enough listening in general, and coming into the relationship with your ears first rather than your mouth will put you in a position that better supports your friend.

9. But when you do talk, take a moment to think

Being thoughtful will go a long way. I know that with me, sometimes my brain has a direct highway to my mouth and I just spew out the first thing that comes to mind—caring deeply about your friend and adding that extra breath to think about how it could come across or if it would be hard for them to hear will likely catch any egregious offenses.

10. Reach out and ask what they need

All of the above makes it feel daunting, but if it's someone you care about that's struggling, you will regret not reaching out. Check-in on them (again, in private and low-pressure), ask if they need anything from you. Even just knowing that there's someone out there that cares could make a difference.

Are there other things you have learned as someone who went through/is going through infertility or had friends who did? Would love to hear your stories.