How to be a better friend to someone struggling with infertility

I have a lot of thoughts about infertility for someone fortunate enough to not have to experience it first hand. Don't get me started on the word miscarriage and how much I hate it (puts the guilt on the women much? what, like we just dropped the baby because we couldn't hold onto it?) and I don't even like the way that the official National Infertility Awareness Week people present their statistics (they say, and I quote, "1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy," like is this a women-only issue um no actually, causes of infertility is equally a third across the board of women/men/unexplained or combo so like, what the fuck?).

I also believe that the onus of National Infertility Awareness Week shouldn't just fall on those struggling with infertility to share their stories, and instead be an invitation for those around them to stop making infertility even HARDER than it already is by being a dick. Yes, I mean us, the well-meaning friend who says "You'll be fine!" or complains that the baby is coming too soon because "I thought it'd take longer to get pregnant but we got it on the first try!"

I will be the first to plead guilty to these atrocities and promise to be better. So to observe NIAW I wanted to share the 10 ways you can support and stand with someone who is struggling with infertility.

1. Be honest

Just like with anything else where you're stepping into territory you know nothing about, be honest and imperfect. Don't pretend to have answers or put on a show of confidence. If you don't know what to say to them because you have no idea what would make them feel better, say just that, even if you're uncomfortable because you have questions but you don't know if it's okay to ask, say just that too. Being honest with them also invites them to be able to tell you what they need, as well as signify that the space between you is a safe place for them to be honest too.

2. Recognize their struggle as unique

I am so guilty of this, but it's the equivalent of that dad who's always like "Oh you're from Ohio? I have a cousin there do you know Ian?" which is an eye-roller but so easy to commit. The last thing that anyone who's going through anything wants to hear is that so-and-so that you know went through the same thing. That doesn't mean their situation is any easier. Instead just drive it in your head that they are the only ones in their unique situation and focus on the details of their story, not find similarities from stories you've heard of from others.

3. Optimism isn't always the answer

I think it's our nature to try and solve problems or to remove discomfort for those that we love, and being "strong" for them seems like the right answer. But saying "you'll be fine!" doesn't always help someone who is going through infertility because their situation may be unreasonable, irrational, even unexplained, and they may feel completely lost. When they're in that place, having someone irresponsibly promising a brighter outcome that they have no control over is both naive and cruel.

4. Keep discussions private and low-pressure

Definitely don't corner them and chat them up at a public event, and sometimes not doing it in person could also be effective. Text messages and emails with a line that says "you don't have to respond to this" take the pressure off of them to have to make emotional space to have a dialogue with you, which could be too much for them at that moment. Imagine it like you just gently placing the ball in their court, letting them know it's there, but walk away and wait for them to be ready.

5. Give permission for all the feelings

Sometimes people feel guilty for the awful things that they feel when they are suffering, especially if you triggered emotions like jealousy or shame in them. Make sure to give them permission to feel anything and everything, and honor the choices they make as a result of those emotions. Maybe you got pregnant while they're struggling and your friend feels jealous but ashamed that they do, and feel they can't come to your baby shower. Acknowledge all of those things, give them permission, and let them know that you are there for them regardless.

6. Don't offer advice

This one is so hard, but a friend's job isn't necessarily to offer advice, especially in a situation where you can't know exactly what they're going through.

7. Don't talk about your own details

i.e. shit like "I thought it'd take longer to get pregnant but we got it on the first try!" Even if your words aren't THAT clueless, any detail about your own conception could be really difficult for them to hear, so just spare them the details.

8. Actually, just mostly listen and do minimal talking

This will go a long way. We don't do enough listening in general, and coming into the relationship with your ears first rather than your mouth will put you in a position that better supports your friend.

9. But when you do talk, take a moment to think

Being thoughtful will go a long way. I know that with me, sometimes my brain has a direct highway to my mouth and I just spew out the first thing that comes to mind—caring deeply about your friend and adding that extra breath to think about how it could come across or if it would be hard for them to hear will likely catch any egregious offenses.

10. Reach out and ask what they need

All of the above makes it feel daunting, but if it's someone you care about that's struggling, you will regret not reaching out. Check-in on them (again, in private and low-pressure), ask if they need anything from you. Even just knowing that there's someone out there that cares could make a difference.

Are there other things you have learned as someone who went through/is going through infertility or had friends who did? Would love to hear your stories.

Also, sharing the articles that were helpful for me:

Real Women Weigh In: How to Tell Someone Who Is Struggling to Conceive That You Are Pregnant

After Struggling With Infertility, Why Do I Feel So Guilty Announcing My Pregnancy?

What to Say to Someone Struggling With Infertility

Supporting a Friend Through Infertility

How to Support a Friend Going Through Infertility

8 Unfortunately Common Things People Struggling With Infertility Are Tired Of Hearing

Duck Hide-and-Seek

I swear the duck looks frightened when it’s been found.

It’s so hilarious though he does this a few times at a time on the bed, couch, nugget… only child play.

What I ACTUALLY packed in my hospital bag for labor

If you’re like me, you may have felt super overwhelmed by the pretty intense hospital bag checklist that’s circling in the interwebs. Like, they do make sense to a certain point but especially right now in the midst of COVID-19 where I know I have to wait in triage solo (I’ll talk more about this when it happens to let you know how the experience went) my instinct is to have a minimal and practical packing list. Besides, I’ve been practicing a minimalist packing list for my vacations anyway, so it makes sense to adopt this for my labor and delivery bag too.

When should I pack the bag?

Before we get to the what, let’s talk about when to pack your hospital bag for labor. The official advice that I’ve seen most is at around 37 weeks which is when you’re technically full-term, and as early as 35 weeks for high-risk pregnancies… or if you’re like me and you had your first one early, so you’re feeling anxious and paranoid that you’re going to have this second baby in the car. Luckily most things that you have to pack are things you’re not using on a daily basis, so it’s fine to have it packed away and ready.

What to pack in the hospital bag for labor

So this is my second time around the rodeo. This list is much shorter than what I brought the first time around, eliminating some things I didn’t end up using and still leaving out things that I thought I didn’t need the first time. There is literally only three new things on here—again, this is a very minimal, pragmatic list because I don’t want to bring a rolling suitcase with me while in labor.

This list literally only has 20 items. You could almost go to the express checkout line with it!

But one caveat is it doesn’t list the holy trinity of what to bring to the hospital that we don’t need a reminder for: phone, wallet, car seat. Honestly if you have those three then you will at least be able to get admitted and leave with the baby.

Everything fits in my favorite weekender, the Lo & Sons Catalina Deluxe Tote. It is just the perfect size, super sturdy, and love this Thistle color. I got it as a bridesmaid gift from my sister and love it.

Clothes and things

• Comfortable sandals to go home in it doesn’t matter if you have shoes because they usually wheel you out of there and you just go from wheelchair to car. My favorite is the APL Women’s Big Logo TechLoom Slides (another gift from my sister!)

• Long phone charger cable & wall socket you just never know where the outlet is going to be, so if you have a long one bring that. I’m also a super nice wife so I’m packing an extra one for my husband in case he forgets. I personally love these ones from Anker (affiliate link)

• Water bottle because water is always life. Mine are from Contigo (affiliate link), I like that they’re glass

• Nursing bra this is a new one on the list—last time I was just bra-less under my hospital gown, I’m going to see if I ever want this because I’m feeling modest. Honestly after having my vagina on full display I didn’t really care that my visitors got a peek of my boob, and this time there won’t be any visitors anyway so I honestly don’t think it matters but I MIGHT wear it to go home in? Kindred Bravely’s nursing/pumping bra is super comfy.

• Going home clothes let’s be honest, it’s just my usual Ekouaer PJ dress that I already wear every day in various formats, taking this t-shirt dress version (affiliate link). No one cares. And it’s black so it’ll look polished (no it won’t and I don’t care)

• Warm socks with grippies so if it’s cold I just wear this as a slipper/sock combo (affiliate link) and no I don’t care that I sleep in bed with hospital floor socks I was just covered in blood

• Extra scrunchie and headband to keep my hair out of my face

• Wet bag because… well, things may get disgusting so I might need to pack something away in here

Toiletries

• Mascara one of my favorite at the moment is Jones Road Beauty

• Lip balm because hospitals are pretty dry. The iconic Rosebud Smith’s comes in a mandarin flavor (affiliate link) and it’s so yummy

• Nautral lip color in a my lips but better shade, in case I want to primp for a photo. I really like this Glossier Generation G in Like (I like, totally like, like Like). I would pack the Nars Afterglow Lip Balm in Dolce Vita if I had another tube of it, but I can’t bear to not have this on hand so Glossier it is.

• Sheet mask in case I feel like treating myself. This is a new one on the list only because I found this SK-II one lying around and I want to feel fancy.

• Face spray because hospitals are pretty dry (did I say that already?) Mario Badescu (affiliate) smells nice too which is a great bonus

• Eyeshadow palette just in case I feel like looking pretty

For Baby

I mean I just gave birth to her, she really doesn’t need much. Literally two things in a pouch just to keep it separate from my stuff:

• Swaddle to double as a blanket when going home

• Baby going home outfit in two sizes since you never know how big they’re going to be. With Lu he was a Premie size at first so I’ve packed Premie and Newborn. Nothing too fussy, just a simple sleeper so I don’t have to pack socks or anything

Miscellaneous

• Hello My Name is Card with pen ha! shameless plug for this free printable. Because we can’t have visitors this time around, I’m planning to do a cute (ish) photo to send to friends and family. I can’t decide between the two sizes so I’m bringing two copies of each.

• Inkless footprint kit we’re with Kaiser and they do their own footprint thing for you too, but I wanted one for myself too so I brought these last time (affiliate link) and they worked great, doing the same with baby girl.

• Extra packable tote to bring home the swag which sounds more exciting than it is but they will HOOK YOU UP with some diapers, mom diapers, witch hazel, etc. so having a tote to stash all that is going to be super helpful.

• Malachite Egg okay so this one is kind of a woo-woo one, but I’m totally excited for it. It’s the last of the three new things on the list. I got this as a gift from my sister-in-laws, and apparently, doulas often have Malachite to ease the pains of childbirth and promote healthy delivery. I like the idea of using it almost like a prayer stone or just something to fidget with while I’m writhing in pain.

What I told my husband to pack for his Dad hospital bag

I don’t know if he’s going to listen, but the only thing I told him he should really pack is a sleeping bag. We know from the first time that he is going to be sleeping on a lounger, so having a sleeping bag will definitely make his night comfier. He’s also going to be lounging on that chair all day, so I might suggest a pillow too but that’s his prerogative.

The 10 things we bought for our second baby

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, at no added cost to you, and will always note affiliate links.

What to buy for a second baby? Well shopping the second time around for us was much easier—besides the obvious reason of having most of what we need already from Baby 1 (as Lu used to be referred), we’ve now been able to cut the fat and know exactly what we need and what we don’t for Baby 2. Here's the quick list of the 10 things we’ve bought for baby, and I'll talk about it in more detail below. They’re categorized into things we needed to rebuy because we sold, things we borrowed that we loved and want again, things we got for Lu that baby needs her own, things we hated and want to replace, and things that didn’t exist at the time of our first baby that we’re excited to try

Oh and not included in this list are things like diapers and wipes and lotion snd stuff because... I mean that’s not an actual shopping list that’s more like a grocery list. Hope it helps if you’re building a registry for baby #2 or trying to figure out what you need for the second baby.

1. Doona infant car seat/stroller + extra LATCH base (affiliate link)

2. Boppy Lounger (affiliate link)

3. Infant-to-Toddler Rocker (affiliate link)

4. Hatch light (affiliate link)

5. Lovey (affiliate link)

6. IKEA high chair + Yeah Baby Goods footrest

7. Bökee

8. UV sanitizer (affiliate link)

9. Haakaa ladybug (affiliate link)

10. More PJs, less clothes

Stuff we sold because we wanted new

Travel system: Doona infant car seat/stroller + extra LATCH base

Because we had an amazing model that had a great resale value, hadn’t thought about baby for a bit, and figured I’d want to update the car seat for new baby anyway, we sold our travel system. We kept an umbrella stroller that Lu upgraded to when he started walking so we just need a solution for the infant stage. We also knew that after growing out of the car seat (which happened at around 10 months for Lu) we’d need to upgrade to a big kid car seat—which meant that buying 2 new convertible car seats (one for each car) would happen regardless of what we choose to do with the infant stage.

Okay so long story short we're going to be buying an infant car seat/stroller combo for the baby and get an extra base for the second car. We felt like there was no real need for a big stroller while the baby was small, and we'd just figure out what we need as we go. This is also a great brand that we could sell for over half of its value after being done with it, so it felt worth it still to go this route.

Stuff we had borrowed and loved but had to return/they don’t exist anymore so we have to buy a replacement

Boppy Lounger

My friend had given me her old one and I thought what am I going to do with this, but it's pretty much a cheaper alternative to the luxury Dock-a-Tot and Snuggle Me Organic. Of course we never owned either of those Cadillacs so I can't do a true side-by-side comparison, but we used the lounger for when baby would be on the couch or bed with us, which seems to be the primary use for these loungers. I liked this guy because it’s small, light, and easy to move around so I didn't need to buy one for downstairs and upstairs—which I totally would've wanted to do had I been made of money and got the Dock-a-Tot because that thing is a beast.

Rock 'n Play replacement: Infant to Toddler Rocker from Fisher-Price

This is quite devastating. If you’ve had a baby prior to 2018 you’d have had the pleasure of this Fisher-Price gem which has now been recalled and is no longer sold. I’d have kept mine but we had borrowed it from someone and can’t buy it anymore. It was the perfect “baby parking spot” that was slightly raised so not on the floor, easy to rock, and super light so I can move it from room to room with ease. I used to have one upstairs and one downstairs, and Lu literally lived in this thing (I have the camera roll to prove it).

So this time we’re likely going to be using our Graco Pack 'n Play exclusively while in the living room, supplementing with the boppy pillow from above. We had brought him to the kitchen in the Rock 'n Play, but for baby 2 it's just going to have to stay in the living room which is definitely close enough within reach that it shouldn't be a problem this time around—I’m also thinking that with a toddler running around, I’m realistically gonna be wearing this baby most of the time anyway.

For other rooms in the house like if I want to be in the bedroom or the office, we’re gonna go for this seater/rocker and move it around with me. I wish it was a bit higher like the Rock 'n Play where it's pretty even at my hip level when sitting, but I like that it rocks and it's not as deep as a bassinet so this shall do.

Stuff we got for Lu that baby will get her own one of

Hatch light

I honestly don’t know if these worked for Lu but I like that it’s a light and sound machine, controllable thru the app, and designed to look sleek. We’re gonna use it to train him for wake time eventually too so it’s gotten good use. I like this old version over the upgrade they released because I’m not sure that ill ever use the speaker option or have use for the clock right away.

For the first few months she’ll be in the room with us, so this will be a purchase when she moves into her own bedroom.

Lovey: Douglas Sshlumpie

So Lu never took to his lovey as a baby and plays with it now as a normal toy but I just love these Sshlumpies from Douglas Baby. It’s like a flattened stuffed animal blanket hybrid and super soft. We have the fox and will do a sloth this time because they’re hilarious. They make all these other animals too that are just adorable, look at that elephant! Our tip is to get two—if they take to it, it’s nice to have one cycling in the wash, and even if they just want to play with it, Lu says “two fox!” and has a blast making them play together.

Stuff we hated and wanted to replace

High chair: IKEA Antilop with footrest from Yeah Baby Goods

I. Hate. Our. High chair. In case you missed it, I'll say it again. I HATE IT. You may love it so don't let me deter you completely, but I am so lazy that I hate having to wash a fabric (it doesn't make it comfy for them), I hated all of the nooks and crannies the food gets into (it starts smelling), I hate that it's so big and bulky and heavy and... ok you get the idea.

At 2.5 years old Lu still sits in it so we got good use, but i am excited to just dump this behemoth out.

In come the IKEA cult-favorite $20 high chair. During a phase where Lu hated sitting in his high chair (yes, this is a thing—and it's usually quite lovely where a baby who hates the car seat will also hate the stroller and the high chair so there's that) he LOVED this when a restaurant had it available. While investing in a STOKKE would obviously be a dream, having had a kid who would refuse the high chair here and there makes me weary—so I'll be going on the cheap this time around. I'll also be buying a footrest for it (at $25 hilariously more expensive than the chair itself) to add feet support which is so important for comfy sitting while they explore food.

Stuff that are new (to us)

Bökee

This is cheating because I actually already bought it and have used it with Lu but it’s amazing. It’s a simple little thing that suctions itself onto the counter and acts as your “grip” to open bottles, close bottles, transfer milk from bottle to bottle... all one handed. It is amazing how much you’re gonna have to get done one handed, and this has been super helpful.

UV sterilizer: Coral 3 in 1 UVC Sterilizer and Dryer

Oh the age-old debate of whether to sterilize or not sterilize. Of course with Lu because he was our first we sterilized the shit out of my pump parts and his bottles, and a part of me debated whether to do that with the new baby—especially since the steam sterilizer that we had was so annoying that we had already thrown it away.

Then the pandemic happened.

Soon I was getting ads for phone UV sterilizers, and my sister-in-law (who had a baby too in the middle of corona) recommended this model. What’s nice is that unlike the steam sterilizer which leaves things moist and kind of gross. everything is dry. There’s now also the added bonus of being able to sterilize our phones, keys, and the like for a bit more peace of mind. Hoping that this is an upgrade from the other sterilizer and we could use it for years to come after (because let’s all be honest, this virus ain’t going nowhere).

Haakaa ladybug

The original Haakaa hand pump that I raved about in my post about must-have baby gear was literally the biggest surprise winner of my first pregnancy. I’m hoping that this new product of theirs will be a repeat of that.

This nifty little thing is like a love child between a nursing pad which are super annoying and like, no thanks, and a wearable breast pump which are amazing but super expensive… in the form of a ladybug so like, come on. So while you’re breastfeeding your boob is dumb and both sides open up their faucets together, causing major leakage. Or, if you’re overproducing you may find your bra drenched with milk because you have so much that it just gushes out. Both very glamourous. Having this little guy discreetly in your bra will solve both of those problems—is the idea. What’s more, the milk you catch can safely be stored away and you could possibly build a freezer stash without having to do extra pumping sessions! I am going to try to do that this time around without doing extra pump sessions just to see how that goes in the beginning.

Stuff that's not exciting but we learned from the first go-around

More PJ's, less clothes: Target 3pk Zip-Up Sleep N’ Play

So for the first 3 months it was fun to dress Lu up but on a day to day it would’ve been much easier had he just had more PJs and lived in them. They’re designed to be easy to change diapers, they wash well, and take a beating anyway. Also we end up getting a lot of clothes as gifts (it’s the thing grandparents LOVE giving) so no need for us to get much until they’re walking, really.

These sleepers from Target are my absolute favorite because of the price, the fold-over hand sleeves so you don’t need mittens, footsies so you don’t need socks, and it’s a ZIPPER. Please hear me, DO NOT FUCK WITH BUTTONS AND SNAPS I know they seem cute but when you’re sleepy and you snapped up all the buttons up to the top only to realize you were off by one from the very beginning, you will be throwing away all your snap-up PJs in the trash like I did.

So there you have it! Just these 10 items were enough to fill in the gaps for baby #2, and we are all set. Cheers to a smarter, more practical, streamlined baby shopping list!

Newborn photo prop: Hello My Name is Card (Free Printable)

Fucking coronavirus, amiright? As I’m getting ready for baby I’m realizing that we won’t be able to have any visitors at the hospital. So to announce the baby this time around, I wanted to do at least like one cute photo like I see on Instagram.

Nothing intense, but I made these cards in various colors so if you’re also looking to do a hospital announcement, feel free to grab them below! I couldn’t decide whether I wanted a big one to put on baby’s belly or a little one next to her, so I made both in 8 colors each, 4 bright and 4 muted. Hope they come in handy!